Absolute Waste of Time

Goodbye, Cigarette, My Old Friend

2009-04-14T03:07:00.003-04:00

I won't be seeing you again.
Because the voices softly speaking,
Interrupt my peaceful sleeping.
And the addiction that was planted in my brain,
Still remains,
Within the sound of withdrawl.

(with apologies to Simon and Garfunkel)

That's right. Thanks to the good ol' U.S. government, I'll be quitting soon.

When the last tax hike went into effect, and it pushed brand name cigarettes over $4 a pack, I switched to lesser known brands. Then, when that was getting hard to afford, I switched to rolling my own. I spend a half-hour making a pack of my own, for about $.90 a pack.

But now, the government has apparently realized that they forgot to up the tax on bulk tobacco last time, and are making up for it now. The price of my tobacco has tripled. (And brand name smokes are almost $6 a pack here in Ohio now.) So now I literally can't afford the habit.

I feel bad for my wife. She's going to have to put up with me when the cigs run out. I'll be absolutely miserable for about a week as my brain tries to figure out how to work without the nicotine again. I'm only hoping to avoid the nausea and headaches that usually come with nicotine withdrawl.

I know it's really for the best. I think if I had one more person tell me just what smoking does to you, or any of that other crap, I was gonna go nuts. I know it will make me healthier. I know it's good for my wife, my child, and anyone else around.

But it doesn't make it any easier. Nicotine is a nasty bitch mistress. I know. I've "tried" to quit before. I've only ever made it about 24 hours before I was craving terribly. Last time I tried cold turkey. I ended up wanting one so badly I was going through the butts in the trash, picking out four or five "good" ones to try and get just a few more puffs. This time I think I'm going to try weaning myself down. And hiding one or two in the apartment just in case. Just enough to get me over that first hurdle, but not enough to keep going.

I know, I know. I'm whining.

I've got to quit. And I just don't wanna.

Oh well.

Seven Pounds

2009-04-14T02:54:00.003-04:00

So, once again in the mailbox I find the familiar red envelopes from Netflix. This time it was "Sex and the City" and "Seven Pounds."

I could really do without seeing "Sex and the City." I never watched any of the series, and really have NO desire to see the movie. Seriously. I highly doubt I'll be on my deathbed telling my grandchildren that the only thing I regret in my life is not watching that movie.

"Seven Pounds," on the other hand, was one I really wanted to see. Anymore, any movie with Will Smith in it is worth watching. I loved "I Am Legend," even though it was a remake of "Omega Man" and I really loved "Pursuit of Happiness."

I really can't say too much without giving away the whole movie. I can say that you should prepare for a sad ending. Not quite "The Notebook," because they somewhat lead you toward the ending, rather than dropping it on you, but definitely keep a couple of Kleenex handy. If you have a significant other to watch it with, do so. It's the kind of movie you want to hug someone after. And it's never any fun crying alone. :D

Twilight: The Movie (a.k.a. Twi-Lite)

2009-03-26T03:04:00.002-04:00

So our Netflix account somehow got us Twilight the day it came out (usually there's a wait for new movies) and I watched it the other night.

I'd have to say that they did an OK job with the movie version of the story. The movie has a general feel like some independent movies do, with a lot of artistic shots and long scenes of the Northwestern wilderness. Not that this is a bad thing, just very different from large budget box-office successes are these days.

But I call it Twi-Lite because it's light on the story. I realize that it's difficult to take a book of several hundred pages and boil it down to make a 2 hour movie. It's even more difficult when a large portion of said book consists of internal monologue. Short of having Bella talking over half of the movie, they had to leave out a lot. Also missing is the sense of time; Bella spends several months in school during the duration of the story (in the book) and we read of her coming and going from school frequently, which helps give the feel of time. Book vs. movie is like the difference between driving from Ohio to California or getting there by bullet train.

Stephanie Meyers also spends more time in the book developing Edward's "family." We get much more of a feel for the individual personae of Jasper, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Esme, and Dr. Carlisle Cullen. In the movie, they're almost reduced to glorified extras. I really hope those actors weren't paid by line.

Some of the characters just don't seem to match up with the book, while others do. This is most likely more of a product of individual imagination instead of the screenwriter's folly, but it left me feeling somewhat disappointed. Alice and Emmett, for example, are pretty much exactly how I imagined them. Rosalie (who spends most of the series hating Bella) is, in the book, sort of like a vampiric Barbie. She seems a little more "normal" in the movie. Jasper seems a little odd, and Esme seems to lack the grace and elegance for which she was known in the books. Jacob, Bella's werewolf friend, is fairly spot-on, but some of her other friends wind up being little more than stereotypical teen friends. There's the valley girl, the smart Asian (who is on the school paper...surprise, surprise) and the bashful guy who likes Bella. And Eric. They made Eric a Gaysian!!!

They did a pretty good job casting Edward. The actor portraying him does an excellent job with Edward's notable mood swings early on in the story. The actress who plays Bella, however, reminds me too strongly of a much younger Molly Shannon. Certain ways that she delivers lines or gives expressions just give me that impression. If you've already seen it, watch it again with that in mind, and see if it doesn't ring true. My only other problem with casting is the actor cast in the role of Carlisle Cullen. I pictured him as a slightly older man, perhaps mid-40's, with an air of experience and wisdom about him. This actor is probably mid-30's, and looks like the bastard offspring of Matthew McConaughey and Johnny Depp. While I'm sure that doesn't disappoint many of the female audience, he looks less like a 300+ year-old doctor and more like an extra from ER.

All in all, though, it's still pretty good. Had I gone to the theatre and watched it, I probably would have left feeling like I hadn't gotten my $8.50 worth, but watching it as a rental was fine. The wife has already said that she wants to own it, and I can't see anything bad about that either.

After watching it, I am more strongly convinced that my original impression of "My So-Called Life, Vampire Edition" rings true. It's a good rental, and beats the hell out of some of the crap on TV lately, but if you want a good vampire movie, watch (or re-watch) "Interview With A Vampire."

My opinion: 3 Wooden Stakes out of 5

Daddy Diary, Pt. 2: The First Birthday

2009-03-17T03:41:00.002-04:00

Well, we passed the first birthday. Last week. I just haven't been able to get to the computer since. We had a small party for her here on her actual birthday, and then a much larger one for all friends and family on the following Saturday.

It was an excellent party. Nearly all of the family who could attend did, as well as friends. Her uncle Shawn and Aunt Lynn came up from Columbus with their daughter, so the two cousins got to meet for the first time. Which was interesting. Chrissy's never been in a daycare or preschool situation, and has no older brothers or sisters, so really it was her first interaction with another child. Her cousin is 8 months older than she is, so they're fairly close in age. It was fun watching Chrissy follow her cousin (who is walking) everywhere she went. We wouldn't have been surprised if she'd started trying to walk, too, but for now she's still content to crawl.

My brother, Shawn, has an interesting nickname for his daughter: Go-go-gadget-arms. I think I'm going to borrow it for Chrissy, too. Somehow, this little girl who only stands 29 inches tall has the ability to reach things seemingly out of her reach. Lately this means cups. She's starting to transition from bottles to sippy cups, and drinks out of Mommy and Daddy's cups, so she knows what to do with a cup. Unfortunately, that means that any unguarded beverage left within her alarmingly large reach comes down for a taste. I've lost several glasses of tea in the last few days to curious hands.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to be stern, when necessary. I now often wonder how many times during my own early childhood my parents had to bite the inside of their cheek when trying to be "parental." Chrissy has recently begun to answer the command, "No" with a disarmingly cute look and a little "Hmm?" that makes it surprisingly hard to be consistent with her. And a gentle hand tap, when reaching for or getting into something that she cannot reach for or get into (like our eyeglasses or electrical cords) gets responded to with a downturned face and a glare from under her eyelids. I didn't realize children could be haughty at such a young age. She's going to be a handful when the words finally come.

Daddy Diary, Pt. 1

2009-02-06T04:28:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to get around to this for a while. I've wanted to have a blog about being a parent. Sharing my observations, bragging about cute little things, etc. Unfortunately, it's taken me almost a year to get to.

I could start with my wife's pregnancy, but there's not much to tell. She had an easy pregnancy and a fairly easy labor. On a side note: I hate men who say "We're pregnant." No, you're not. You might both be expecting (the upcoming childbirth) but only one of you is pregnant. Unless the father-to-be spent 9 months gaining weight, bloating, having sensitive breasts, terrible back pain, trouble sleeping, and increased difficulty with formerly easy things like getting out of chairs and putting on shoes, then you're not pregnant. She is.

I could start with the birth. She was born at 11:55 PM on March 5, 2008. 6 lbs, 13 oz. and 19 inches long. After that, there's not much to tell. Newborns aren't the most interesting people. Oh, sure, the new parents (myself included) and grandparents go basically apeshit over every burp, cry, squeal, smile, pretty much everything she does. But for the most part, newborns do a whole lot of eating, sleeping, and soiling diapers, with crying whenever one of those needs need to be met.

But now, now we're getting to the interesting stuff. The stuff that makes for good stories. At least for those who care. Which is you, right? That's why you're reading this.

We're up to 11 months, today. She started trying to crawl around Christmas. Now she crawls like a champion. If she wants to get somewhere, she's there in seconds. Especially if it's somewhere she doesn't need to be. For some reason, babies seem to have an affinity for all things electical (especially the cords and outlets) and for all things sharp or pointy.

Now she's starting to pull up to standing besides anything she can grab a hold of. Which is fine, on the edge of the couch. Not so much at the corner of the coffee table.

She seems to be a danger-seeker, too. On the couch or on the bed, nothing grabs her attention like the edge. Especially on the bed. Put her down and she heads for the edge of the mattress like she's pulled by magnets.

So, we're not far off from walking. Which means more danger. Fortunately, it also means more chances to explore and show her the world.

She's also starting to verbalize. Not quite words yet, but plenty of sounds and noises to get her point across. Which is fun. Hearing her yell at someone to get their attention (or one of the cats) or hearing her basically "tell off" something or someone that's annoying her is neat. I'm sure it won't seem so neat when she starts getting words, especially the "no" word. She already shakes her head 'no' when she doesn't want to do something.

Well, I'm out of time for now. Stay tuned for Daddy Diary, Pt. 2: The First Birthday.

How I Caught the Vampire Virus

2009-02-06T03:53:00.002-05:00

Unless you're over 50 or dead, you've probably at least heard of the Twilight book series, by Stephanie Meyers. It's gotten into my house, and I unwittingly caught the virus myself.

My wife borrowed the book from a co-worker, who highly recommended it to her. So she brought it home and read it, and raved about it.

Now, I'll admit that what I knew of it was enough to make me say "Yechh!" but we haven't been to the bookstore in a while, and so my supply of reading material was running short. I was actually re-reading books I hadn't read in a while, just for something to read.

So seeing it lying around, just there for the reading, was just too tempting. It's like seeing your wife's latest copy of Cosmo lying on the back of the toilet tank. You tell yourself that you're just reading it because it's there, but you really know that you want to read it because you're interested.

There's a lot of websites and forums out there that are either absolutely crying this book's praises, or are completely anti-Twilight. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

Those against it rail against it's absolute lack of any seeming literary virtues. Which are, in part, true. I mean, it reads like the novelization of an archetypal teenage girl's diary. Characters are fairly one-dimensional. And there's not much story to speak of. I mean, the whole first half of the book basically amounts slight variations of this scene:

Bella: Edward, you are so totally hot. I'm madly in love with you!
Edward: But I'm not good for you at all. I might even be dangerous.
B: Does that mean you don't love me?
E: No, because I totally do. I can barely control myself around you. But I do, because I love you.
B: I love you, too.

Then, somewhere around page 375, she finally puts it together that he's a vampire. I say finally because, short of putting up billboards around Forks, there's not much more that Edward can do that wouldn't give it away. Then most of the rest of the book goes as such:

Bella: Edward, you are still so totally hot. I love you!
Edward: I love you, Bella. But I'm a vampire and I can barely control the urge to kill you.
B: But you do, because you love me.
E: But I can (and probably will) kill you. I shouldn't be with you. But I love you.
B: So make me a vampire. Then we'll be together forever.
E: No. But I love you.
B: Ok, I forgive you because I love you and because you're so hot.

There's an antagonist, primarily because literary form demands some kind of situation for the protagonists to overcome. Otherwise, besides the aforementioned scenes, the rest of the book pretty much consists of Edward brooding and being over-protective to the point of stalking (but stalking is ok, because he's a vampire and he's hot) and Bella daydreaming about how hot Edward is.

Throw in the archetypal teenage friends, divorced parents (Mom's got a new, younger boyfriend, and Dad's the bumbling, inept type who can't cook for himself, or keep house) and that fairly rounds out the book.

So, with all of its apparent lack of any redeeming literary value, why did I read it (and its next two sequels) and why am I waiting for my wife to finish the last one so that I can read it, too?

After thinking it through, I've come to the conclusion that the Twilight series is, to any reader more that a handful of years past high school, the literary equivalent of the food trailers at the county fair.

No one goes to the fair looking for high quality or healthy fare. I mean, deep-fried twinkies and elephant ears are far from the pinnacle of culinary excellence, and I'm fairly sure that deep-frying broccoli, cauliflower, and zucchini destroy any nutritional value. But we don't want excellence, or healthy. We want delicious.

Twilight is delicious. It's like taking My So-Called Life, throwing Ian Marster's Buffy character 'Spike' in Jared Leto's place, and then batter-dipping and deep-frying the whole thing. It's tasty, it holds no particular value, and it's great.